Years ago I participated in a writing group through the local community college. It was a small group of mature adults. The first night of the class we sat in a circle and introduced ourselves. I snapped to attention when I heard an elderly woman say her name. Norma Quick! OMG, I had been reading her letters to the editor in the local paper forever. It seemed like several times a month Norma Quick had something to tell the editor and here she was, live and in person and she didn’t have horns or a tail. I didn’t know Norma Quick, but I already knew that I didn’t like her. Her letters to the editor, although well written, were guaranteed to push my buttons. Politically we were polar opposites.



I read the local paper, the East Oregonian, every night (except Mondays, they don’t publish on Mondays.) I was raised reading the Los Angeles Times and one thing I miss living in a rural area is a big city paper. The East Oregonian is not in the same league; on an average day there’s probably only fifteen pages of newsprint, but all the local news is printed and if you want to know who was arrested for drunk driving or who is filing for divorce, well, The East Oregonian publishes it all…and those damn letters from Norma Quick. I would read her letters and vent to the spouse, who, you may recall, is not particularly noted for his liberal views either. He was not always sympathetic to my position.  “When I retire I’m going to respond to all of Norma’s letters” I would tell him.


There are lots of advantages to living in a small town, but one of the disadvantages is that taking a liberal stand in a letter to the editor won’t win you any friends. As a school administrator I needed to keep a lower profile than Norma Quick.


Over the course of the writing class I got to know a little about Norma. We had lively discussions. I’d sprinkle my conversation with comments that I knew would get a rise from her. “I have such admiration for Hillary Clinton,” I’d casually mention, and Norma would move into red state attack mode.


I don’t know what happened to Norma Quick.  I can’t remember the last time I saw a letter from her in the newspaper. The class ended a long time ago and our paths never crossed again.  During the class I got to know Norma and I admired her spunk.  I still didn't agree with her, but I stopped looking for traces of horns and a tail. 

I thought about Norma this morning as I wrote my first post-retirement letter to the editor. A small-minded bigot had written that same sex marriage is a violation of natural law and therefore not discriminatory. I imagine that Norma would agree with the writer of that letter. I don’t.  I'm secretly hoping that Norma is still out there and will respond so we can have that battle of words that was never possible when I was a civil servant.  This one’s for you Norma! 

Sister Wives

I hate to admit it, but I love reality TV.  From The Real Housewives of New Jersey to Hoarders, I eagerly grab the opportunity to peer into the lives of other people. 


Last week Oprah had the cast of Sister Wives on her show.  Sister Wives chronicles the life of a polygamous family in Utah.  The father, Kody, has three wives and on the last episode he got engaged to his future forth wife, Robyn.  The family lives together in a sort of multi-plex house with all their children.  The fiance lives a few blocks away in a separate house with her children from a previous marriage.


I originally tuned in to Sister Wives because I was curious.  Sometimes I have a hard time just getting along with my one husband.  I couldn’t imagine having to deal with a husband and other wives, not to mention more than a dozen children.  What I saw in the episodes that I have watched is a family that is a lot like other families.  Everyone works, they take care of each other, and they squabble just like most families I know.  All that being said, there is still a weirdness factor…he has three (now four) wives!  He kisses one goodbye and then goes to bed with the woman in the next room. 


My fascination is with how the wives deal with their jealousies, and they quite openly discuss this, and how they manage to make it work.  And I still wonder if they are being truthful.  Are they really as content as they say they are?


Kody is being investigated for felony bigamy in the state of Utah.  If he were charged and convicted, he could face a jail sentence of five years. Oprah asked the wives and Kody what they would do if he went to prison.  They said they didn’t even want to think about it.


This makes interesting food for thought.  With all the focus recently on gay marriage, here’s another nontraditional marriage under fire.  Is it appropriate for the state to restrict the rights of adults?  I am a supporter of the right of gay couples to marry.  I don't believe that the state should interfere in decisions made by consenting adults, regardless of their genders.  Why isn't it then equally as intrusive for the state to outlaw polygamous marriages?  


The married individuals in Sister Wives  are all adults.  Unlike the families who were prosecuted in Texas, there is no question of children forced into marriage or of sexual abuse.  The family is self-supporting.  What is the interest to society and to the state to limit the rights of these adult individuals to live and love whoever they please?


It's not for me.  I don't think I could ever accept a plural marriage...and I hope my children and grandchildren don't make that choice either.  But, it is their choice.  It is time for the state to leave these very personal decisions up to individual citizens.

Equity, Are We There Yet?

I was raised in the 50’s in Southern California. I am a baby boomer. My moral and political belief system was shaped during the activist’s movements of the 50’s and 60’s. I immigrated to the United States at age five with my parents. I grew up listening to rock ‘n roll, reading The Saturday Evening Post and Life magazine, and watching world events on a nineteen-inch diagonal black and white screen. My America was hopeful, the “land of opportunity,” a true democracy.


My family went on a vacation once to Catalina Island, “22 miles across the sea.” My brother, Ross, thought we had gone abroad. We didn’t travel far from home, but the world came to us in the images delivered on television and in print. The only memory I have of a seventh grade report on Roosevelt’s four freedoms is a picture of a drinking fountain for “coloreds” that I clipped from Life magazine. I don’t remember which freedom I was illustrating, but the memory of the drinking fountain is vivid. Television images brought the world to my California living room. I remember watching the fire hoses and German shepherds turned on peaceful demonstrators. I remember the nightly reports on the freedom riders and I remember seeing George Wallace try to stop desegregation. I also remember the sense of injustice I felt and the admiration for those who were fighting that injustice. I wondered if I would have had that courage.

I was raised a liberal with a sense of responsibility for the rights of others. But, it was easy to be a “bleeding heart” when my own world didn’t change. As I matured my understanding of equity issues did too. I came to the recognition that I benefited just by being a member of the dominant culture, even if I didn’t consciously or actively discriminate. I didn’t have to; the system was set up for me.

Several years ago I attended a conference in Washington, D.C. and I visited the American History Museum. I rounded a corner and saw the Woolworth’s lunch counter. I knew immediately what it was. It was meaningful to me because I knew its history. I grew up admiring the people who risked their personal safety and position to change an unjust system.

Much has changed since my youth, but the struggle for equality continues. That’s why the issue of marriage equity is important to me. It’s a civil rights issue. Exclusion from marriage deprives same sex couples of not only the legal and economic protections of marriage, but also the intangible social benefits of marriage.

This summer my husband and I will celebrate our 39th wedding anniversary. I just don’t see how my marriage is threatened by same-sex marriage. That Ellen and Portia got married did not devalue my marriage. What’s important is that each of us has the right to be who we are, to make the choices that are right for us, and not be judged or discriminated against. That’s equity…that’s what I learned growing up in the 50’s and 60’s. Why are we still fighting this battle?



I'm entering this post in a contest Blog 4Equality to win a scholarship to attend Netroots Nation sponsored by Freedom To Marry  Click the link for more information.